Drunken Shenanigans in A Minor
by Touch of Grey
Summary: Owen Mercer. Drunken shenanigans. Roy/Dick. Kon/Tim/Bart cameo. You know you want to see how these all tie together.


It wasn't often that Owen went drinking with his friends, mainly because his only real friends seemed to be mildly psychotic criminal masterminds that tended to hatch ridiculous schemes to "finally rid ourselves of that screwball in the red pajamas" when wasted. Besides, going drinking alone usually meant that he'd either end up making some new friends, or he'd find himself in a dumpster with a bunch of hookers. Making a mental note to avoid both dumpsters and hookers, Owen grabbed his jacket and set out for a night on the town.

If there was one thing Keystone City was good for at nine on a Friday, it was finding a relatively full bar with cheap, strong liquor. Owen decided to go with his old standby for picking a good bar out of a block of bars: lady bartenders. Chances were, if you were both a lady and ballsy enough to set up shop in Keystone, you either ran a gay bar, or you poured some damn good shots.

In this case, it was both, but who cared? Worst thing that could happen would be running into Piper making out with some dude. Booze is booze, and new pals are…probably gonna be staring at his ass.

But by god, Pepper made one hell of a Tequila Sunrise. He officially loved her more than he loved porno lesbians.

The hours passed by in a pleasant haze, with some guys coming up to flirt, others coming up to ask about the football scores. Pepper, who was an honest to god _pro_ when it came to mixed drinks, invited him behind the bar at one point, where she futilely tried to teach him how to make assorted drinks with dirty names.

Sometime around midnight, the crazies started rolling in.

A group of drag queens (headed by a bearded lady named Bunny and a dominatrix-looking man/woman called Miss X) rolled in and had a very loud drinking competition slash Marilyn Monroe sing-along. Pepper put him on drink umbrella duty and beer cap removal. Owen took a drunken moment to wonder if he'd be paid for his labors, or if Pepper _always_ shanghaied drunk guys into doing her trivial busywork. Then she gave him a free shot of vodka and his brain took a little vacation.

When he came back to himself, Owen found that he was now somehow a coat check attendant. The bar didn't actually have a coat room.

And somehow, three boys that were without a doubt _boys_ snuck in.

They tried to hide it, and two of them actually hid it pretty well. The tallest one had black hair that would probably have fallen into his eyes (into his glasses, really), if it hadn't been for all the gel. He had a sort of 'city boy gets stuck out in the country, then is disappointed that this is the only quality city around' air to him, which Owen found mildly hilarious. The mid-height one also had black hair, but this time it _did_ fall in his eyes. Owen wondered for a moment if the two were related, then realized that they were probably lovers. The shortest one was a brunette who-

Oh.

The brunette had curious golden eyes that wandered everywhere. He also had the longest legs that Owen had ever seen on a short person. And maybe this was all the hooch talking, but he was also totally _adorable_.

Helloooo jailbait.

"You boys sure you're in the right esta, estable, place?" Mid-height took off his shades (and who in their right mind wore shades _this_ late at night, anyway?), and glared.

"We're looking for someone we know-"

"Two someones!" the brunette interrupted, and mid-height sighed.

"Yes, Bart, two someones. A redhead and a guy that sort of looks like me. Have you seen anyone like that?" Owen shrugged, then yelled over at the drag queen party.

"Heeey, Bunny! You ladies seen a redheaded guy and a guy with black hair here?" Before Bunny could answer, the two in question emerged from a dark corner near the bar, the redhead sporting a pretty noticeable bite mark on his partially exposed collarbone. Mid-height groaned, grinding the heel of his hand into his forehead.

"Really, Dick? You two call running away to a gay bar in the middle of Wally's city and _making out_ a productive use of your time? Babs and the rest of your team have been going _nuts_ trying to find you for the past three days, and it turns out all I had to do was _follow the trail of raging hormones_?"

As a semi-professional supervillain, Owen felt like this conversation should have some sort of meaning to him. But he was also drunk as an Irish skunk, so that meaning flew over his head entirely. Meanwhile, the older version of mid-height (whom Owen mentally dubbed 'Sexass') just grinned.

"It's called stress relief, little bro. You may want to try it some time, before the combined weight of the world and your own set of repressed hormones causes you to explode." The brunette, jailbait, _Bart_, blinked.

"Tim isn't stressed, he's angry. I mean, he and Kon are always yelling at each other everywhere. In the bathrooms, in the gym, in the jet hang- _mmph_!" Flushing, the tallest one, Kon, slapped a hand over Bart's mouth. Dick began to laugh.

"That was possibly the best way of outing two people I've ever heard. Were I a less noble man, I'd buy you a beer for that." The redhead slung an arm around his lovers' shoulders.

"Aaand Dick has gone Shakespeare on us. Time to go." He patted Owen's shoulder, slipping a rolled up fifty behind his ear like a cigarette. "To keep anything you may have heard in your head." He said, winking. Owen nodded as though he had any idea about what was going on.

"G'night, jailbait!" he called, waving them off before crumpling into a drunken heap.

Fini

Okay, the idea wouldn't leave me alone, so I wrote it. This fic takes place between Identity Crisis and Owen properly debuting as a member of the Flash's Rogues gallery, so he's yet to meet Nightwing, Arsenal, or Kid Flash in any sort of combat setting. Seeing as the last time Owen got drunk in canon, he ended up crucified and tortured by a mind-controlled, evil Batgirl, I decided to cut the poor guy a break and let him have a little fun with the Creature. And of course, since I'm me, booze plus fun always equals gay bar and cameos from two of my favorite DC couples under the age of 30. And Bart. If I could have somehow worked Thad into all of this, this would have been my masterpiece. Pepper, the lesbian bartender, is based on Angel, the lesbian bartender, from Girls With Slingshots.

So now that you know all of this, won't you drop me a review? It'll make my day.


End file.
